ministry, heartbreak, miles mcpherson

let me start with honesty.

i went to the north county pastor's training lunch today for the purpose of meeting guys.

that having been said, there has been some work a-happenin' in my heart & soul. i'm processing through some stuff on my own... the classic battle of shame & dignity. on that subject, i'm working on how much i'm ever going to be "fixed"... is that my burden to bear as a woman? as a sinner? as a human? as stine? or is it the thorn in my flesh? or will Jesus fix it? when? or will He use that weakness to His glory? is my self-hatred/self-doubt actually humility? i just wish i could get over it, so i could get over myself. my self-doubt is such a distraction from all that i want to DO for Christ. i'm so hindered & shackled by my broken heart that i'm rendered immobile when there are battles to be fought and hearts to be won. and don't i believe in a God who wants more for me than that? my darkest, scariest fear is that i'm overlooked & ignored... the one who doesn't matter. stuck in this idea that God's great love isn't big enough for me.

let me just say, i know it's not true. but i don't know how to convince myself of that, at the same time.

so, okay, let's flip out of my soul, and into my church and my job. i'm working with women, wonderful women, and a zillion of them. and they love to get together, be together, eat sweets and enjoy things that have been decorated with ribbons. they also love God's word - they love it. they read and they know and they really are dynamic women of truth.

but everything that's been done has, for a long time, been in the building. inside the rooms of the church, for the women of the church. and our tagline is to be a church without walls, but the women's ministry is really constricted by the walls. i told abby on our way over to the pastors' lunch, i don't want to have 400 women in the family center for a Christmas dessert! i want women to host desserts for 8 friends and neighbors, spend time together, share thier testimony if they want, and be the church, instead of being at church.

miles mcpherson had a lot of dynamic points on what i was thinking. he challenged me to take the church's mission (a few float around my head... living in Christ, living out Christ, a church without walls, transformed people, transforming the world) and identify a vision for the ministry: a measureable picture of what i want in the future. for me, i'd love to have half of the events that women's ministry throws be offsite. and i want to see every woman, every year, giving herself away in some service capacity.

we have to rethink evangelism, miles said. we have to listen to the cries of this broken world, and respond. that is the truest way to communicate the gospel. he articulated it so clearly: the purpose of church is not so you can have friends. it is not so you can have people to talk to. it is to mobilize footsoldiers to combat the heartbreaking forces of the enemy, whether we're preventing evil, rescuing people from it, or helping heal the damage it's done.

miles really challenged us by admitting that real, missional ministry like we're talking about is hard. it requires a heart investment which is really risky and taps into our own brokenness. i kinda put my head down when he said that because i know exactly what he meant. it means, here, stine, here's another way to get your heart broken. after you thought you'd seen it all. here, in ministry, in the very fiber of your calling, a new way to be crushed. because in this real, authentic work, people will not always smile. or be grateful that you're praying for them. or even show up to accept your help. programs, events... they run smoothly, women attend, and they usually even help clean up afterwards. but the hurting people who have nothing to give are desperate for help, and, according to Jesus, deserve it the most. and helping them find hope is the purpose of the church.

i didn't meet any guys at the lunch. there were a few who didn't have wedding rings on, but jung said a great little something to me yesterday. "stine, you have a bright future. i don't want you to end up with someone who doesn't."