lots of feelings.

this is what happened: fatty came back and we forgot about and neglected the blog. well, let's see... we had a welcome-home party for betty. her hair is AMAZINGLY cute and short. we mad a feature film - taco stand - inspired by cuca's, with my new (yea!) video camera. we went to the upper room which some hated and some loved, and ray and betty and beck got into a mormon/salvation discussion that pissed me off for fatty, who i think has some wonderfully insightful things to say regarding this matter and others, seeing as she's shockingly well read, and she wasn't really being listened to. but i'll let her fight her own battles. i love that we have things to say. all of us. we have a lot to say. and some of us (fatty, myself, ray) say the things we have to say, often to the point of annoyance, and that others (mix, addie, beck) sometimes don't overbear conversations w. thier opinions, but they're damn good opinions. mix, especially this week. i've had some (swallow) wierd, sucky moments this week and melissa ann is the best g.d. listener you've ever met who can simultaneously analyze and assess my situation. and she's never too busy or anything. man. we had a beach party last saturday. erin's birthday. so fun. lots of old friends. and this boy, _____ who i've always thought was cute but i could never ever act on it... but we hung out. and mixie videotaped me w. my hand on his hip. and that was all, and will be all. but kitty was mean to me (again.)? i hate that...

(interruption: my mom just called to say she's gonna be 15 minutes late, and i don't know how many times i stressed to her that it was IMPERATIVE that she be on time because i have a set schedule for this evening, people expecting me and so on. and i'm really mad because g.d. it, she always lets me down like this. welcome to my world... life with and independable mother. this is why people like me go to therapy and stay there. i have this mindset that says, i can't trust anyone, not even God. and where do you think i got the idea that people are untrustworthy? well ill give you a clue: people ususally get the idea that people ARE trustworthy from their good, loving, dependable mothers. sit back with THAT margarita.)

sunday was my first going away party (of four.) lovely. mix came, and i saw all my family. we went to fallbrook on our way home... and i got to see my favorite fallbrook, my favorite family... and jush. (sigh.) honestly, my life would be easier if i didn't get butterflies in my stomach when he's around but (sorry) i do. but like, he was touching my hand (looking at my nails, actually) and you know how when a boy you like touches your hand, you just, like, melt? and my head was screaming part of the jimmy song, (#3 on the jush CD)... "would you mean this please if it happens?" but oh well. i'm going to spain and i am sooo excited about that. and as far as jush goes, whatever. yeah, i like him, but like, fast forward HOW FAR until i could even think about that for 5 minutes? that's 5 months from now. who knows what will be up then. i'm not worried about that or anything... and as a result, i got this unnecessarily long mean lecture about how i view relationships... and i cried... and i was hurt and disgusted... but now the lecturer and i are friends again, who have agreed to disagree. i think that life doesn't have to be so damn serious every second of every day, that you should hang out and have fun and just... whatever! the world is too uptight. and that's cause they don't know that they aren't in control anyway. me? i'm taken care of. i know god's gonna work it all out. i know it's gonna work. nothing wretched is gonna happen to me that god doesn't know about... and i (surprisingly) trust that.

my girls at work are throwing me a going-away dinner. isn't that cute? and my mom's having a party for me @ jill's (you'll all be there) and my dad's having a party for me at Sevilla (how cute) (you should be there if you can)... but everyone's leaving! except big A. honey, it will be okay. you'll make it. and you can come live with me in buena park when i come home. meanwhile, my mom is (supposedly) on her way here to go to target on our Spain-target trip (stock up!). and i went to moreno valley mall (i was literally nauseated) to harris' to buy the clinique gift. it's good, go get it. and now i'm taking a few minutes of peace to update the computer world on our lives and loves. how about dancing saturday night?