augustella

in my mind, there is a constant inner dialogue between my personalities. they are extremely helpful because i'm able to predict with reliable accuracy how other, real people are going to react to my thoughts. i like having many minds inside of mine.

sometimes, when i'm alone, or when i'm supposed to be, my thoughts become so real that i say them out loud, without intending to. for example, the time i swore at my computer when i realized i'd mistakenly sent an important email without an attachment (and one of my students was in the room).

it happened today. i was driving to the hospital, literally giddy, to see jenna's new baby. i thought of babies. my babies. real babies, like little, little babies. i held isabell when she was just a few weeks old. finley, too. maybe markey. but a newborn? fresh out of the womb? i said to myself, and the universe, aloud, "i've never held a baby the day it was born!"

jenna's stomach was still moving, which freaked us all out a little bit. she decided later it may have been her gown. but she was suprised at what bringing little augustella into the world had done to her body. it hurt. and she was tired. but we all looked at her, and back and forth at jenna and bobby, and kept musing.

"she's a human."
"all the parts that we have? she has them too, in miniature form."
"bobby's a dad."
"she knows what to do."


she kept reaching out and stretching. it must be insane to suddenly not be stuck inside a confined space. jenna used to poke her so much. augustella's little butt sat right under her rib cage and would jut out, asymmetrically. jenna would shove her back into place. i pointed out a few weeks ago that she would not appreciate me shoving her when she was born. and i really meant to man up and teach jenna a lesson, by poking and shoving her baby, now - but then i decided that i love augustella too much to poke and shove her. in any event, i'm positive that she's happy, now, not being poked and shoved.

she's being held. so many loving arms were holding her today. i am so grateful that she has that, and will have that. people are flying from all over the country to see her and hold her and love her. that truth catches a part of my heart and really reminds me of God's love for us. travelling a distance, paying for a plane ticket - just to witness, to behold, to observe this little life. she can't do anything, you know? her grandparents are not going to hear her sing or have pictures finger-painted for them - not on this trip. they are coming out of joyful love - they will be rewarded for thier journey with the joy of knowing that augustella exists. and that's more than enough for them. God just wants to be with us, too. (even when we're not powerful enough to do anything.)